This is the year I master inner space. I’ve come a long way on the journey of mastering the Self. Now, it is my my goal to let go of the need to create anxiety. Until fairly recently, I didn’t even understand the depth of anxiety I was experiencing on a daily basis. It wasn’t anxiety… I was just worrying… about making ends meet, or what someone would think of me if I did something silly, or if my partner was secretly plotting to leave me. No matter how much work I did in a day, it was never enough… there were things I wanted to get to but didn’t. That wasn’t anxiety… no… that was just a little stress. My ability to repress should impress.

The end of 2016 was a tough one. Amid global chaos, I had to watch my dog – more like my spirit animal – suffer with a cancer I could do nothing about. Boy does that create anxiety. Having to listen to your dog struggle to breathe for four months. Lets call it the ‘dogxiety.’ The anxiety became overwhelming at times. So I started to explore it. Gain a new understanding of it. And now, I am working to conquer it.

Here’s the Plan:

1) Eliminate unnecessary anxiety producers.

I was glued to global events in 2016. They were fascinating. And stressful. People were so angry. The veil was being pulled back on the unsane system we call “politics.” I would feel tired after binging on news and would have trouble focusing. I didn’t realize that was anxiety until I had the added dogxiety.

Dogxiety + newsxiety = shut down. I would have trouble functioning the anxiety was so strong. Close to panic attack levels. The combo was like an 8.5 on the anxiety scale. Alone, dogxiety was maybe a 5. I realized, the anxiety produced from ingesting the news had never been strong enough for me to understand how much stress it really creates.

After she passed, the anxiety subsided and was replaced by grief. During my mourning process, I noticed how strong of an anxiety increase I would still get by reading the news. I was more aware of the impact of constant negativity than I’ve ever been.

I wouldn’t mind a little newsxiety if it was actually doing something to help me. But then I thought about it. What does being so plugged in really give me? Does not knowing the latest scandal or stupid tweet take something away from my life? Nope! Is hearing about another murder or shooting going to help me? I don’t see how. I know problems exist, but how does constantly being exposed to them help in any way? Everything in the news is so negative. Negative emotion sells. Fear sells.

But there are tons of amazing events and stories out there that are beautiful and positive and remind me why this is an amazing time to be alive. When I focus on the positive, I want to contribute more. I have more energy. It is easier to feel joy. So news and newsxiety, you’re OUT!

I’m done with news sites. I’ve added a plugin on Facebook called Social Fixer which lets me block political and news content. Its doing a decent job so far. The articles that slip through, I do my best not to read the headlines. I’m also spending less time on Facebook in general, as I just don’t want to be exposed to negativity. Anxiety is already on its way out.

2) Time to Heal This

One thing I’ve learned in my inner journey – when emotions are high, pay attention. There is a gift in it for you. So paying attention I am. Throughout the fall, I explored the anxiety through meditation, contemplation and conversation (I love when someone says that one thing you needed to hear to make something click!). Through that exploration I discovered… I’m a hot mess.

The anxiety runs deep. There are so many little ways it manifests itself. So many different aspects of it. Like a hundred strings of neurons all tangled together in a giant knot. Neurons that fire together, wire together (neuroscience 101), and I’ve been firing these anxiety producing thoughts for a long time. I’ve untangled mental knots like this before and know I can do it again. Here’s how:

1) Reach acceptance. Hi, I’m Prism and I struggle with unnecessarily stressing myself the fuck out. I’m ready to heal it.

2) Become conscious. Recognize the behavior pattern as quickly as you can. In this case, pay attention when I feel anxiety.

3) Figure out what thoughts and/or feelings are triggering the pattern. Is it linked to an action?

4) Explore the logic behind the thought pattern.

5) Surrender the emotions by feeling them.

So for example, the other night, I posted a new cover photo on Facebook. Shortly after, my anxiety spiked. I stopped what I was doing and became conscious. I felt into the emotion and realized the anxiety was connected to posting my new pic. Ok why? Go deeper. I realized I wanted validation. How many likes would I get? How many people still think I am handsome at 33? Deeper still. Why do I want the validation? To connect and know I am loved. Where else do I hyper focus on getting validated? Well, I often question how people will react to my ideas, and end up holding back. I am afraid of totally being myself around others because I’m scared I will drive them off.

Ok, lets look at these fears logically. Does putting so much importance on being validated yield the desired result? It may if the looked like this:

Get Validated –> Know I am loved.

But it doesn’t. It works like this:

Desire to get validated –> Anxiety of “will I be validated?” –> Anxiety = less creative, open and true to self –> Interactions with the world (in person, posts or writing) aren’t reflecting true self and carry a vibe of anxiety rather than connection –> Less validation than if I was my true self and shared from the heart.

Like a double edged sword. The desire for validation actually pushes it away and creates all sorts of unnecessary stress. The pattern really actually working against what I really want – a sense of connection and love. Desiring validation actually pushed the love and connection I wanted away.

So, it isn’t working. Time to surrender it. Feel into the emotions that drive the pattern. Accept them. Embrace them. Make them your friend. Stop resisting and just feel. I learned long ago, the way out is through. And so I shifted the need to be validated and it was great. But that was just one string. I still have work to do before the larger pattern of anxiety is completely healed.

Eventually, the pattern will shift, the ego will let go of enough pain driving this pattern and one will experience permanent relief. With complex knots like this one, it takes patience and a lot of self love. Sometimes it feels like you aren’t making progress, or are even moving backwards and the problem is getting worse. We are also working against habit, and you have to consciously interrupt a habit many times before it fades.

Inner work isn’t easy, but it is worth it. More so than anything else I’ve ever done. This is the year I let go of the anxiety and live completely in my truth. Cheers to 2017, the year of Self Mastery.