Deep behavior patterns can be a bitch to shift. I’m through step 1 of overcoming a problem: acceptance. I know I generate an absolutely unnecessary amount of anxiety. And I’m ready to let it go. But deep patterns like this aren’t easy to change. They require vigilance, consciousness, and a lot of self love.

No one teaches us how to deal with this shit. That has always bewildered me. Negative emotions and counter productive behavior patterns are a major part of being human. But no one sits us down in school and says, “Hey little Prism, here is how you deal with negative emotions. Here is how you change behavior patterns which don’t serve you.” So, that is one of my goals in life… to teach people these skills. To teach people how to deal with their human.

That is a funny way to language it right? “Their human.” “Your human.” But it is a subtle shift in perception allowing one to see their life situation a little different.

I see who I am, who you are, as the “pilot.” The one making decisions and experiencing life. As we travel the roads of life, we will encounter inner obstacles to achieving the life we want to create. You know, things like negative emotions, insecurities, and strange beliefs which tell you all sorts of nasty stuff, like “You’re not good enough,” or, “If I share my feelings, they will hate me.” Those patterns which aren’t in alignment with our pilot’s will, lets call that our ‘human.’ Sometimes I think of it as my inner child. The part of me raised in a world full of hatred, anger, fear and inequality that desperately wants to protect itself from more pain.

We all have that. And it’s okay. Humanity used to berate each other (especially men) for having emotion. So our ancestors never really learned to work with their humans. They just ignored it… repressing and suppressing those unpleasant aspects… sacrificing joy for a sense of intellectual and emotional safety. Our generation is different. We understand something the older generations do not: Life is Meant to be Lived. And to do that, you have to be courageous.

And so I am choosing to share the deepest insecurities of my human with you. To show there is always a path forward in conquering the self. No matter how much pain, how much fear, how much hurt you’ve experienced, you can live a life driven by love and joy.

I introduced the pattern I’m currently working through in my article “Mastering Inner Space Pt 1” if you want to check it out. Basically, I have a lot of behavior and thought patterns which produce anxiety. Like a lot of individual strings tangled together in a giant knot in my brain. The deep fears and insecurities feed off of each other and create what psychology would refer to as a “complex.” To deal with it, I am unraveling one string at a time.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in mediation and contemplation. Feeling through each issue as it comes to the surface. Last night, I was so exhausted I passed out on the couch at 9pm. It was supposed to be a quality time night with my partner. When I woke up at 8am on the couch, the first thought that crossed my mind was, “oh no… I failed my partner by passing out so early.” The anxiety started to kick in.

After my morning java, I went upstairs to get some cuddle time in. My partner was already up and was in the bathroom. I said good morning and his response was, “I’m pooping!” While he was just trying to say, “I’m busy, lets talk in a few,” my human interpreted it as, “he is mad at me for passing out early.” My anxiety skyrocketed.

My human wants everyone to love me all the time. All the time. If it senses that someone is mad, it must be my fault. I fucked up. Because to my human, other people’s emotions are my responsibility. Now, I wasn’t aware of that when the anxiety first ramped up. Anxiety turns my brains to mush. I had to become conscious and figure out what was going on.

I went downstairs and meditated. My first attempt to figure out what was going on failed. The anxiety was blocking logical thought. So I started my day. Cooked us breakfast, enjoyed some chill time. Eventually, my nerves calmed down and I decided to go take another look at my human.

I became conscious again and looked at what triggered the pattern: I felt responsible for my partner being upset (funny thing is he wasn’t even upset. I just projected that.). So I looked at the logic behind the pattern.

First, what is the intention? My intention is to feel love and connection with my partner. How was I currently going about that? Here is what the mental pattern looked like:

I want Tyler to be happy –> So I should micro analyze everything he does to make sure he is happy and feels loved –> I recognize something that may make him unhappy –> Then fixate on it because it is my responsibility to fix it (for some reason) –> Anxiety shoots through the roof, I lose ability to connect and feel love –> Tyler feels me withdraw and our connection fades.

The pattern is not accomplishing the desired goal of increasing connection and love. Lets dig deeper to figure out what is causing the malfunction. In meditation, the concept of responsibility jumped out at me. How was my human understanding responsibility? Upon close inspection, I realized I was looking at the concept of responsibility dualistically.

Part of me felt like Atlas – you know the Greek god carrying the world on his shoulders. That part of my human sees everything as my responsibility. Not just logical things like my own actions, but everything. Things like other people’s emotions, the survival of our species, the environment, etc. That is a lot to carry on one’s shoulders.

Another part of me just wanted to run away. It wants to hide from all responsibility and become a hermit living in a cave or my mother’s basement. It just doesn’t want to deal with all the pain out there.

To my human the choice was “take responsibility for everything” or “run away from all responsibility.” When the human can only see two options, both which cause stress, it is a clear indication one is dealing with a dualistic understanding of reality. I felt a sense of relief, because I know what to do when I encounter this type of thinking. One must dissolve the dualistic thought structure so the human can see more possible solutions. The best way I know how to do that is with a technique called “Parts Integration.”

With parts integration, you work with each of the thought patterns like they are mini personalities existing inside the human. And in some ways, they are. Parts and multiple personalities are caused by the same internal processes. At extremes, parts can become a personality.

In the process, you help these parts understand their highest intentions for you, the pilot. If you keep asking each one “for what purpose do you do X,” eventually both parts will arrive at the same answer. For me, at their highest level, both parts wanted me to embrace my true self and experience an inner sense of “oneness” with myself and creation. A deep sense of connection with all things. Once both parts realized this, integration began. Sometimes it is quick and easy, sometimes it also requires processing the emotions which created the part in the first place.

In this case, I still had a lot of processing to do. A story I will share in pt 3.

PS – If you’d like me to do a video outlining Parts Integration and how you can use the technique on yourself, let me know in the comments!